Post 4a, who knew

Date: Monday, 27/6/11

Time: 10:58pm

My Mood: upset, heartbroken

At the momment I'm: practically bawling my eyes out

 

This is the reason I'm philophobic. This is why I find it so hard to trust people. This is why people call me pessemistic. This is why people say I'm always depressed and make a joke out of it. Just fyi to those people who call me pessemistic, depressed, over dramatic and all that, I'm not okay. If you really knew everything I've been through, everything I'm going through, you wouldn't be saying that. Even if I did tell you, you'd probably be more considerate but not understand completely. Yes I am aware that there are worse off people than me. I'm aware of the world around me. I know more things than people may think. And people will say "wow she's heartbroken so what, there are worse things in life" but what you don't understand is that yes there are worse things but for a teen girl, four people to hurt her in a space of five months is a lot to go through. It hurts. It pains. It keeps me awake crying and praying for better luck tomorrow and that one day I'll get over it. It keeps me awake praying that I'll find someone that won't hurt me, that will like me, love me, for who I am, not the mask I put on. And yes there are other people in the same situation as me but I'm me. I'm in my shoes. I know how it feels like for me, not everyone else as well. Everyone has their own burden and for the time being this is mine and I'm doing the best I can to carry it without breaking down. It gets too much to handle sometimes. I don't see the flaws in people thats my problem. I don't see the bad in them. I'm too naive. I think "their nice they won't hurt me they make me feel good about myself so I'll let myself fall for them" but I always end up getting hurt because of my stupidity.

 

Subject of Drama 4. Who knew that he could hurt me without even liking me? I'm torn apart. Can't wait to get away from it all tomorrow, but I know the thoughts will follow me overseas.

There's no escape.

 

Till next time. Wish me luck

Philophobic girl

xxx

 

P.s when i was refering to "you" throughout my rant, I don't mean you as in the reader, I meant some people I know. Sorry for the rant. Just needed to get it all out. I'm hurt and upset.

 

Safe holidays to all xxx

Post 4, Just to notify you

Date: Monday, 27/6/11

Time: 7:44pm

My Mood: tired, excited

At the momment I'm: packing my bags & listening to music

 

Hey there followers, just wanted to notify you that I'm leaving for Greece tomorrow. I'll try and write another post befor I leave for the airport. I probably won't be able to post as frequently since I'm trying to close off everyone for a while to clear my head and mend my heart if possible. That means staying away from internet connections, leaving my phone behind etc etc. In any case I'll post as often as I can.

But the real reason I wanted to write this post was to say a massive whole hearted thank you to Idina! For those of you who haven't already, check out her blog http://www.monthinaday.blogspot.com/ and I promise you won't regret it! I just noticed her comment on my first post and I was touched. Then, as if those kind words weren't enough, she wrote a post with the subject of my blog! Thank you so much Idina! And I'm so sorry I couldn't comment on your post, my computer didn't let me for some reason. Hope you got the comment from Elven though, even though she commented on the wrong post but anyway it got the message across. Glad to have inspired you. I believe you are very talented and bright. I loved your first post and the analysis of the term philophobic. Good luck with your blog (and evolution). I support both 100%! Best of luck. Love&Light to you as well.

 

To the rest of you, step one to my overseas recovery: Deleted all depressing songs off my iPod and phone and added these:

This is War -30 Seconds to Mars

Till the World Ends -Brittney Spears

Stuck In The Moment -Justin Bieber (Love the lyrics on this one, only jb song I have coz the rest are real lovey dovey. This one is too but still)

Suddenly I see -KT Tunstall (LOVE THIS <3 old but amazing)

Round and Round -Selena Gomez

 

Till next time

Philophobic girl

xxx

 

P.s sorry this post wasnt as good as the others. I'm dead tired. xxx

Post 3, I'm too tired to write a whole post tonight...

Date: Sunday, 26/6/11

Time: 10:10pm

My Mood: tired, confused

At the momment I'm: listening to music as usual and talking to some friends

Long story short, saw the subject of drama number 4 today. All I can say is, you know how girls say "my heart skipped a beat!"? well mine skips a whole song at just the thought of him. It also drops to my stomach when I remember the fact that I'm not going to see or speak to him for five weeks and that he won't miss me, won't think of me and probably not notice that I'm gone. Hmm, pleasing thoughts. He'll probably forget me over these holidays, not much to remember. In anycase, I just felt like sharing this with you guys:

First thought when I wake up
Is my God he's beautiful
So I put on my make-up
And pray for a miracle <3
                             -I'd Lie, Taylor Swift

Describes it perfectly.

Till next time
Philophobic girl
xxx

Post 2b, Just Dreams. They will never be more than that -Drama 4

Date: Saturday, 25/6/11

Time: 6:54pm

My Mood: tired, sick, uneasy, bleh

At the momment I'm: listening to music, writing this, and sneezing non stop due to allergies...lucky me

Ok people. I've decided to go backwards, so from Drama 4 to Drama 1. So here's the situation:
I'm in the typical cliché teen girl situation; I'm head over heels for a guy that doesn't and will never think of me in that way. He's a really good friend of mine, I've liked him for about a month and a half now. We talk practically on a daily basis. It's good. I'm happy about that. He's a great guy. Perfect. And its better to be friends than nothing right? So I guess it's all good. Thing is it just cuts me that when we hug he will never feel the rush of butterflies. He'll never realise that I lose my breath whenever I see him, so much talk as to him. He knows I like him though. He just doesn't know how much. (yes, I am very aware of the cheesy nature of those last sentances). And after tomorrow, I won't see him, speak to him, hear from him, for 5 weeks. You may think that it gives me a chance to forget about him. But you don't know him. It's impossible to forget him. It's like he's permenantly etched into my mind. Face, voice, smell, touch everything. He makes me laugh so much. When I'm with him it's so natural and comfortable (dispite my lack of breath due to awe). So there you go. Head over heels but not doing anything about it becasuat I dont know what to do about it. I'm sure im not the only girl that feels like this.

Another major dilemma at the moment. A really great guy likes me and I can't say yes to him because of 1. my philophobia and 2. Im already head over heels for the guy mentioned in the last paragraph. I know he's going to read this and I want to say that I'm so sorry for everything I have put him through. He is a truely amazing guy and I am lucky to have him in my life. I'm sorry that it's not working out at this present moment but who knows what the future holds? Thank you for seeing me and liking me just the way I am. You're forever in my heart and till I get everything sorted out, Im sorry again

Till next time
Philophobic girl
xxx

Post 2a, I got bored

Date: Saturday, 25/6/11

Time: 11:17am

My Mood: bored out of my brains

At the momment I'm: just plain bored :s

Its Saturday morning, the cleaners just left, im waiting for my beautician appointment, ive packed everything into my suitcase (i leave for Greece on Tuesday) so i have nothing to do and im bored. So i thought I'd just be random and post different quotes or whatever i find...expect many posts today...i get bored easily.

Yesterday i read "Forgotten" by Cat Patrick. Its 278 pages and it was so good that i finished it in 3 hours. Its a very uplifting book, besides the fact that by the end i was abit upset that there is no real guy like Luke (protagonists' boyfriend) but then again i get that feeling with every romance novel i read. (im a hopeless romantic). In any case. In the the end, i do get some good quotes! I'll try make these less depressing than my earlier post :) Enjoy!

Personally, i loveeee forgotten's blurb! this is it:

I see the future in flashes, like memories. I remember what I'll wear tomorrow and a car crash that won't happen till this afternoon. But yesterday has evaporated from my mind- just like the boyy i love. I can't see him in my future, i can't remember him from my past. But today, I love him. And i never wasnt to forget how much.

ok ok, now moving on from that book. The helpful quotes...umm, haha just kidding im not that depressed...sometimes. I dont know why but im in an alright mood today, probably because Ive practically closed myself off from the outside world ive been hurt by and am currently living in my own little perfect bubble away from everyone and everything. Still that doesnt stop lingering thoughts of the past 4 heartbreaks coming back every now and then. But thats part of life i guess. (Sorry for rambling on, told you i was bored!)

OK QUOTES NOW :P enough procrastonating and straying off topic :)
'Nothing fixes a thing so intently in the memory as the wish to forget it' -Michel de Montaigne
'And all she wants is someone to be afraid of losing her' -holliesquotes.com
'Accept what you can't change; Change what you can't accept'
'All our young lives we search for someone to make us complete. We choose and change. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, someone perfect is searching for us'-not sure who wrote this but the best guy i know showed me it. I owe him a lot. you know who you are.
'Q: What is love? A: Love is when someone breaks your heart and the most amazing thing is that you still love them with every broken piece'
'Love, to be real, must cost, must hurt and must empty us of self'
'Sometimes a girl's heart [♥] can't afford to be just friends [♥]'
'Never get too attatched to anyone, because attachment leads to expectations and expectations lead to disappointments'

Now for songs. This is a mix of everything i listen to when i get my rush of emotions. Hope they help you as much as they help me:
Who Says -Selena Gomez
Someone Like You, Turning Tables -Adele
Haunted, The Story of Us, Breathe, Dear John, Come in with the Rain, Untouchable, Tell Me Why, Cold As You, White Horse, Forever and Always, You're not sorry, Thats the Way I Loved You -Taylor Swift
You Found Me -Kelly Clarkson
Jar of Hearts, Arms -Christina Perri
Beggin on your knees, Tell Me That You Love Me  -Victoria Justice
Without You -Hinder
Over You -Daughtry
Go your own way -Glee version
Happy Ending -Avril Lavigne
If It Means A Lot To You -A Day To Remember
I Know You Know -Big Time Rush
Dance Floor Anthem -Good Charlotte
Do You Know -Enrique Iglesias
EET -Regina Spector
Song 4 Mutya -Groove Armada
How you love me now -Hey Monday
If I Never See Your Face Again, She Will Be Loved, Won't Go Home Without You -Maroon 5
Still Breathing -Mayday Parade
On the Wing -Owl City
PS Im Still Not Over You, Cry -Rihanna
Never Too Late, Let It Die, Over and Over -Three Days Grace 
When it was me, Walk Away -Paula Deanda
Predictable, No Not Me Not I -Delta Goodrem
Everything You Want -Verical Horizon
Hold on -Jonas Brothers
Shy That Way -Jason Mraz ft Tristan Prettyman
I'll probably post something else today due to the fact mentioned earlier that i get bored easily.

Till next time
Philophobic girl
xxx

Post 2, Makings of a Philophobic

Date: Saturday, 25/6/11

Time: 10:12am

My Mood: abit uneasy, nervous

At the momment I'm: watching tv, eating breakfast and typing this

I think it was around late January when things started turning around for the worst. But before telling you a full account how this section of my life was reduced to debris, I should just summarise it. I usually do this with the aid of quotes and song lyric snips and snaps...I'm going to stick with that method to get the summary of my story (you will hear separate stories in more detail throughout posts to come I promise you). I will tell you the summaries of four of the major dramas from the past 6 months through these quotes and snip snaps. Enjoy:
Drama 1: happened late January, 30^th January to be exact.

Same old story everyone knows. One heart holding on. The other letting go.

There are so many things I'm not sure of in life, but with all certainty at this very minute, all I know is that I miss him

I wish I knew the truth..instead of the lies he wants me to believe..
“there's a lot of feelings that remain since you've been gone I guess you thought that I would put it all behind me, but it seems there's always something right there to remind me”-Rihanna, PS I’m still not over you

“It's never simple, never easy never a clean break, no one here to save me, you're the only thing I know like the back of my hand, and I can't, breathe, without you, but I have to.”- Taylor Swift, Breathe

Drama 2: late February 2011

So you want a heart? You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. -Wizard of Oz

I actually thought I was over you. But then by accident our eyes met. And everything came rushing back, And I just fell all over again.

If she could show her how much you hurt her you'd never be able to look her in the eyes again.

The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else.

“I'll look back in regret how I ignored when they said
 'Run as fast as you can’. Dear John, I see it all now it was wrong don’t you think nineteen’s too young to be played by your dark, twisted games when I loved you so, I should've known.”-Taylor Swift, Dear John

“And I'm not jealous, no I'm not I just want everything she's got you look at her so amazed I remember way back when you used to look at me that way tell me what makes her so much better than me what makes her just everything I can never be”- Paula DeAnda, When it was me

Drama 3: met- May 4^th 2011 ended- May 9^th 2011 but for me, it tore me up for long after that.

In every girl's life, there's one guy who caused her pain yet she still loves him.

Dear heart, I met a boy today...prepare to shatter

You said you would never hurt me. You said you would never make me cry. Well there’s one thing I can admit. You tell a perfect lie.

“It don't get no better as each day goes by and I'm lost and confused I've got nothing to lose”- Rihanna, PS I’m still not over you

“What hurts the most, was being so close and having so much to say and watching you walk away and never knowing what could have been and not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do”-Rascal Flats, What hurts the most

Drama 4: Happening right now...

Girl meets boy. Girl falls hard. Boy doesn’t even stumble.

It hurts so much to love you the way I do. And then look at you and realise how much you don't care.

She wants to say something...but she isn’t quite sure how...

Just Dreams. They will never be more than that.

“I hope that you see right through my walls, I hope that you catch me because I’m already falling,”-Christina Perri, Arms

“Why do I just lay awake and think of you I need some sleep Tomorrow I have things to do Every time I close my eyes, I see your face So I try to read But all I do is lose my place”-talented person I hold very close to my heart and always will, Obsessed

Hope you guys can understand abit now. Again I hope i didn't bore you too much.

Till next time

Philophobic girl

xxx

P.s this made me laugh

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/05/worlds-best-relationship-tips.html 

also check out these blogs as well.

http://lifeofanaberrant.blogspot.com/  & 

http://pleaseknowyourebeautiful.blogspot.com/

Post 1, Philophobia

Date: Friday, 24/6/11
Time: 8:15pm
My Mood: abit uneasy
At the momment I'm: Talking to some friends (thank God for my friends! without them, my days would be duller!), listening to Someone like you by Adele (thank God for music as well)

Some people are afraid of spiders, heights, public speaking and even clowns. But come on. They are pretty rational fears sometimes. Like yea creepy crawlies are scary with the long eight hairy legs and poision venom and the whole "If i bite you you may die" thing, and heights? who isnt afraid of falling and plummeting down some steep jagged cliff? and public speaking can bring its embarassments. Clowns can be pretty scary too..ive had my experiences. But the point is, i wish i was scared of all those things instead of having my phobia. Philophobia. I mean being afraid of love?

For those of you who dont know, this is what Philophobia is according to wikipedia.
Philophobia is the fear of being in love and falling in love. The risk is more acute, when a person has confronted any emotional turmoil relating to love in the past.
Yep...that basically sums it up. Thats me. Through this blog you'll probably find out what made me this way. I'll also post some things that my fellow philophobics can relate to. Hopefully, by releasing all my thoughts to my unknown audience, i can start to figure out for myself how to overcome this. But who knows. Time will tell.
Hope i didnt bore you too much.
Till tomorrow, adieu
Philophobic girl
xxx