Post 6, I'm back

Date: Sunday, 7/8/11

Time: 12.19pm

My Mood: Calm, relaxed

At the momment I'm: watching FRIENDS on tv, sitting on the couch, eating chocolate for breakfast

 

Hey everyone I’m back! Anyway, I'll tell you all about my trip in the next post ;) :P haha. I've been meaning to post this since before I left.

Anyway I thought I'd tell you the story of the guy I was wrecked over in February. Let me just say from now that I'm not completely over this assho... I mean guy. This guy was the first guy I felt so strongly about. Like the first guy I could actually see myself with for years and years and u get where I'm going with this. Throughout when we liked each other we'd stop talking because he'd say he started talking to his ex and stuff then he'd come back and I'd take him back. About 2 weeks after he told me he liked me and said he was planning to ask me out, he told me he's asking out the girl of his dreams. I was a WRECK. I didn’t eat, sleep, I cried and cried. He'd talk to' me about her because he knew I was still head over heels for him. And I would sit there and listen, never letting him know how much it was tearing me apart. I loved this guy so much that I didn’t care that I was upset, if he was happy, even if it wasn’t with me, I was happy. He'd call her the things he use to call me and compliment her with the same compliments and nick names he had used for me. All I’m saying is, be careful because nothing is ever set in stone. Not saying relationships aren't something to be always distant to but everything is usually on pretty rocky ground. So just think over your actions before you do them, don't let love blind you and always be careful because in life not everyone has good intentions and not everyone cares about not hurting you. There's more to this story that I chose to reveal because, well, I'd rather not put everything on the internet because some things I'm ashamed about. But in any case I want to share this quote that gave me hope after my wreck with Mr. February.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of the Universe. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing so enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God which is within us. It is not in just some of us, it is in all of us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others." -- By Nelson Mandela

For any of my followers that want to contact me, I've made an email. philophobicgirl@hotmail.com

please feel free to contact me, give me a topic for a post that you may want an opinion on, or if you just want to ask questions or advice on anything

till next time

philophobic girl

xxx

Post 5, It's been a while

Date: Monday, 11/7/11

Time: (home) 4:20 am, (Greece) 9:22pm

My Mood: relaxed, somewhat happy but also pissed off

At the momment I'm: sitting on the couch of my cousins' house on an island of the coast of Greece....and its boiling....at 9:22pm....and, the sun is still up.

 

So, everyday I've been hitting the beach, catching up on some reading (Im out of books to read, grrr), going to bar/clubs with my cousin and his university friends and running around in the village with some friends i had met in 2008. Yea, life is good, watch me jinx it. My cousin who's 18 came to the island we're in now afew days after we arrived. He's studying at a university in Thessaloniki. His brother is the closest thing I have to a brother. I love him so much. Hes 21 turning 22. Hes studying in university in Athens so he only come down on weekends. I havent seen him for a day and i miss him so much...imagine me going back home and not seeing him for i dont know, a year? Three years? God knows how long! Just the thought of it rips me appart.

 

To my mood, im pissed because my sister has been seeing how close ive gotten to my 18 year old cousin and is trying to get all his attention, wow, real mature for a 21 year old university student. And now theyre sitting on the couch, its boiling hot and shes leaning on him. Shes ticked me off afew times on this trip.

 

One thing about being Philophobic, I think im even scared of loving someone as a friend or brother. My cousins, friends and I have become so close these past weeks I'm scared of losing them a well. Its gong to be so hard leaving here.

 

Sorry this post isnt very good, im in a rush. We're off to a tavern. Oh look! My sister got two distinctions...again. Another thing to make me inferior to her. Great.

 

Off to my slow death

Till next time

Philophobic girl

xxx

Post 4a, who knew

Date: Monday, 27/6/11

Time: 10:58pm

My Mood: upset, heartbroken

At the momment I'm: practically bawling my eyes out

 

This is the reason I'm philophobic. This is why I find it so hard to trust people. This is why people call me pessemistic. This is why people say I'm always depressed and make a joke out of it. Just fyi to those people who call me pessemistic, depressed, over dramatic and all that, I'm not okay. If you really knew everything I've been through, everything I'm going through, you wouldn't be saying that. Even if I did tell you, you'd probably be more considerate but not understand completely. Yes I am aware that there are worse off people than me. I'm aware of the world around me. I know more things than people may think. And people will say "wow she's heartbroken so what, there are worse things in life" but what you don't understand is that yes there are worse things but for a teen girl, four people to hurt her in a space of five months is a lot to go through. It hurts. It pains. It keeps me awake crying and praying for better luck tomorrow and that one day I'll get over it. It keeps me awake praying that I'll find someone that won't hurt me, that will like me, love me, for who I am, not the mask I put on. And yes there are other people in the same situation as me but I'm me. I'm in my shoes. I know how it feels like for me, not everyone else as well. Everyone has their own burden and for the time being this is mine and I'm doing the best I can to carry it without breaking down. It gets too much to handle sometimes. I don't see the flaws in people thats my problem. I don't see the bad in them. I'm too naive. I think "their nice they won't hurt me they make me feel good about myself so I'll let myself fall for them" but I always end up getting hurt because of my stupidity.

 

Subject of Drama 4. Who knew that he could hurt me without even liking me? I'm torn apart. Can't wait to get away from it all tomorrow, but I know the thoughts will follow me overseas.

There's no escape.

 

Till next time. Wish me luck

Philophobic girl

xxx

 

P.s when i was refering to "you" throughout my rant, I don't mean you as in the reader, I meant some people I know. Sorry for the rant. Just needed to get it all out. I'm hurt and upset.

 

Safe holidays to all xxx

Post 4, Just to notify you

Date: Monday, 27/6/11

Time: 7:44pm

My Mood: tired, excited

At the momment I'm: packing my bags & listening to music

 

Hey there followers, just wanted to notify you that I'm leaving for Greece tomorrow. I'll try and write another post befor I leave for the airport. I probably won't be able to post as frequently since I'm trying to close off everyone for a while to clear my head and mend my heart if possible. That means staying away from internet connections, leaving my phone behind etc etc. In any case I'll post as often as I can.

But the real reason I wanted to write this post was to say a massive whole hearted thank you to Idina! For those of you who haven't already, check out her blog http://www.monthinaday.blogspot.com/ and I promise you won't regret it! I just noticed her comment on my first post and I was touched. Then, as if those kind words weren't enough, she wrote a post with the subject of my blog! Thank you so much Idina! And I'm so sorry I couldn't comment on your post, my computer didn't let me for some reason. Hope you got the comment from Elven though, even though she commented on the wrong post but anyway it got the message across. Glad to have inspired you. I believe you are very talented and bright. I loved your first post and the analysis of the term philophobic. Good luck with your blog (and evolution). I support both 100%! Best of luck. Love&Light to you as well.

 

To the rest of you, step one to my overseas recovery: Deleted all depressing songs off my iPod and phone and added these:

This is War -30 Seconds to Mars

Till the World Ends -Brittney Spears

Stuck In The Moment -Justin Bieber (Love the lyrics on this one, only jb song I have coz the rest are real lovey dovey. This one is too but still)

Suddenly I see -KT Tunstall (LOVE THIS <3 old but amazing)

Round and Round -Selena Gomez

 

Till next time

Philophobic girl

xxx

 

P.s sorry this post wasnt as good as the others. I'm dead tired. xxx

Post 3, I'm too tired to write a whole post tonight...

Date: Sunday, 26/6/11

Time: 10:10pm

My Mood: tired, confused

At the momment I'm: listening to music as usual and talking to some friends

Long story short, saw the subject of drama number 4 today. All I can say is, you know how girls say "my heart skipped a beat!"? well mine skips a whole song at just the thought of him. It also drops to my stomach when I remember the fact that I'm not going to see or speak to him for five weeks and that he won't miss me, won't think of me and probably not notice that I'm gone. Hmm, pleasing thoughts. He'll probably forget me over these holidays, not much to remember. In anycase, I just felt like sharing this with you guys:

First thought when I wake up
Is my God he's beautiful
So I put on my make-up
And pray for a miracle <3
                             -I'd Lie, Taylor Swift

Describes it perfectly.

Till next time
Philophobic girl
xxx

Post 2b, Just Dreams. They will never be more than that -Drama 4

Date: Saturday, 25/6/11

Time: 6:54pm

My Mood: tired, sick, uneasy, bleh

At the momment I'm: listening to music, writing this, and sneezing non stop due to allergies...lucky me

Ok people. I've decided to go backwards, so from Drama 4 to Drama 1. So here's the situation:
I'm in the typical cliché teen girl situation; I'm head over heels for a guy that doesn't and will never think of me in that way. He's a really good friend of mine, I've liked him for about a month and a half now. We talk practically on a daily basis. It's good. I'm happy about that. He's a great guy. Perfect. And its better to be friends than nothing right? So I guess it's all good. Thing is it just cuts me that when we hug he will never feel the rush of butterflies. He'll never realise that I lose my breath whenever I see him, so much talk as to him. He knows I like him though. He just doesn't know how much. (yes, I am very aware of the cheesy nature of those last sentances). And after tomorrow, I won't see him, speak to him, hear from him, for 5 weeks. You may think that it gives me a chance to forget about him. But you don't know him. It's impossible to forget him. It's like he's permenantly etched into my mind. Face, voice, smell, touch everything. He makes me laugh so much. When I'm with him it's so natural and comfortable (dispite my lack of breath due to awe). So there you go. Head over heels but not doing anything about it becasuat I dont know what to do about it. I'm sure im not the only girl that feels like this.

Another major dilemma at the moment. A really great guy likes me and I can't say yes to him because of 1. my philophobia and 2. Im already head over heels for the guy mentioned in the last paragraph. I know he's going to read this and I want to say that I'm so sorry for everything I have put him through. He is a truely amazing guy and I am lucky to have him in my life. I'm sorry that it's not working out at this present moment but who knows what the future holds? Thank you for seeing me and liking me just the way I am. You're forever in my heart and till I get everything sorted out, Im sorry again

Till next time
Philophobic girl
xxx

Post 2a, I got bored

Date: Saturday, 25/6/11

Time: 11:17am

My Mood: bored out of my brains

At the momment I'm: just plain bored :s

Its Saturday morning, the cleaners just left, im waiting for my beautician appointment, ive packed everything into my suitcase (i leave for Greece on Tuesday) so i have nothing to do and im bored. So i thought I'd just be random and post different quotes or whatever i find...expect many posts today...i get bored easily.

Yesterday i read "Forgotten" by Cat Patrick. Its 278 pages and it was so good that i finished it in 3 hours. Its a very uplifting book, besides the fact that by the end i was abit upset that there is no real guy like Luke (protagonists' boyfriend) but then again i get that feeling with every romance novel i read. (im a hopeless romantic). In any case. In the the end, i do get some good quotes! I'll try make these less depressing than my earlier post :) Enjoy!

Personally, i loveeee forgotten's blurb! this is it:

I see the future in flashes, like memories. I remember what I'll wear tomorrow and a car crash that won't happen till this afternoon. But yesterday has evaporated from my mind- just like the boyy i love. I can't see him in my future, i can't remember him from my past. But today, I love him. And i never wasnt to forget how much.

ok ok, now moving on from that book. The helpful quotes...umm, haha just kidding im not that depressed...sometimes. I dont know why but im in an alright mood today, probably because Ive practically closed myself off from the outside world ive been hurt by and am currently living in my own little perfect bubble away from everyone and everything. Still that doesnt stop lingering thoughts of the past 4 heartbreaks coming back every now and then. But thats part of life i guess. (Sorry for rambling on, told you i was bored!)

OK QUOTES NOW :P enough procrastonating and straying off topic :)
'Nothing fixes a thing so intently in the memory as the wish to forget it' -Michel de Montaigne
'And all she wants is someone to be afraid of losing her' -holliesquotes.com
'Accept what you can't change; Change what you can't accept'
'All our young lives we search for someone to make us complete. We choose and change. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, someone perfect is searching for us'-not sure who wrote this but the best guy i know showed me it. I owe him a lot. you know who you are.
'Q: What is love? A: Love is when someone breaks your heart and the most amazing thing is that you still love them with every broken piece'
'Love, to be real, must cost, must hurt and must empty us of self'
'Sometimes a girl's heart [♥] can't afford to be just friends [♥]'
'Never get too attatched to anyone, because attachment leads to expectations and expectations lead to disappointments'

Now for songs. This is a mix of everything i listen to when i get my rush of emotions. Hope they help you as much as they help me:
Who Says -Selena Gomez
Someone Like You, Turning Tables -Adele
Haunted, The Story of Us, Breathe, Dear John, Come in with the Rain, Untouchable, Tell Me Why, Cold As You, White Horse, Forever and Always, You're not sorry, Thats the Way I Loved You -Taylor Swift
You Found Me -Kelly Clarkson
Jar of Hearts, Arms -Christina Perri
Beggin on your knees, Tell Me That You Love Me  -Victoria Justice
Without You -Hinder
Over You -Daughtry
Go your own way -Glee version
Happy Ending -Avril Lavigne
If It Means A Lot To You -A Day To Remember
I Know You Know -Big Time Rush
Dance Floor Anthem -Good Charlotte
Do You Know -Enrique Iglesias
EET -Regina Spector
Song 4 Mutya -Groove Armada
How you love me now -Hey Monday
If I Never See Your Face Again, She Will Be Loved, Won't Go Home Without You -Maroon 5
Still Breathing -Mayday Parade
On the Wing -Owl City
PS Im Still Not Over You, Cry -Rihanna
Never Too Late, Let It Die, Over and Over -Three Days Grace 
When it was me, Walk Away -Paula Deanda
Predictable, No Not Me Not I -Delta Goodrem
Everything You Want -Verical Horizon
Hold on -Jonas Brothers
Shy That Way -Jason Mraz ft Tristan Prettyman
I'll probably post something else today due to the fact mentioned earlier that i get bored easily.

Till next time
Philophobic girl
xxx